Plaintiff sued defendants David Beckham d/b/a "Soccer Player" and Victoria Beckham d/b/a "Posh Spice" for soccer piracy. Plaintiff alleged that Beckham uses satellite precision guided soccer balls that are remote-controlled by British agent James Bond and Pakistani intelligence. These agents allegedly move the balls into the net after Beckham touches them. This supposedly garners defendant more commercials, a key to any U.S. city, and Iraqi national bank loot, which Beckham kicks back to Buckingham Palace. Plaintiff also alleges that Beckham is an illegal alien that did not have to make a stop at Ellis Island, that Plaintiff suffered lead poisoning from a Mattel soccer ball he received from defendant Beckham, that Posh Spice uses Old Spice, and that Beckham told Frenchman Zidane to head butt him last month.